In Memory of Noah

I did it!! I finally did it!! And I LOVE IT!! It is perfect. A great way to help remember my boy (that's his actual footprint). I put it on my foot because I hardly ever wear shoes, mostly just flip flops, and I wanted it to be seen all the time. I can't wait to be asked about it.

I love it, I really love it......

I dreamed of you again

Last night I had another dream of Noah. This one was so pleasant. It had a happy sort of feel, like the end of a show or movie where there is a truly happy ending.

I was sitting on our bed with my husband. I had my new baby girl laying in my lap. Noah was sitting snuggled up beside me, much like Will does now. Then Jordan and Will came running in. They were wrestling and horsing around and giggling like mad. The funny thing is that Jordan was the same age as Will in my dream. So here come the two toe-headed boys.....and Noah nudges my arm and looks up at me. He also was around 5 years old.

"Mama, can I go play?"

"Yes, of course!! Go play with your brothers!"

He takes one second to smile a goofy grin at me. Then he swiftly hugs me and his daddy and hops off the bed to join his brothers in play.

I wish he were here truly to laugh and play with his brothers. Will constantly asks when Noah will come home, when he will get bigger so that Will can play with him. The other day he even said he needed a rocket ship so that he could go to heaven to play with Noah since Noah couldn't be here.

We all miss Noah terribly. But that dream was such a beautiful picture of what life will be like when we are all finally in Heaven again. And I can't wait to finally all be together again.

Noah's Ornament

I was out shopping yesterday with my daughter. I walked into the Hallmark store. I like to go there during the Christmas season for lots of reasons. We usually get one of the animatronic musical plushes they sell. This year it was Snoopy playing the piano. And of course he plays the Charlie Brown Christmas music!!


I also love to browse through the Willow Tree figurines. I have a few that I adore. I am looking for a certain special one that will speak to me for Noah. I haven't found it yet.....


They also have the Keepsake ornaments that they have every year. Last year we went in search of the right ornament for Noah. We found one that I really liked but it just didn't speak to me. Still, we bought it and put in on our tree for Noah.


This year I found it. The one that I love. I still don't think I've found 'the one' but it is pretty good.

Like I said, I am not sure that this is 'the one' but it is pretty darn special.

?Happy? Thanksgiving.....

Well, I'm not sure it's happy.....But it is a day to give thanks to God for all the blessings in my life. I try to do that everyday though some days I fall very short and can only complain and grumble. Some days I can only cry out in my pain and grief.

And yet I know I'm blessed....beyond measure.

Even in the midst of my pain over losing Noah, I know that I am blessed. I am healthy. I have a husband who loves me and whom I love more than anything. I have 3 healthy, beautiful, vibrant children here with me on whom I lavish my attention and affections. I have 1 perfect soul in Heaven waiting to welcome me home when my time comes. I have a warm, protective home that keeps me safe from the elements. I have food in my tummy and in my fridge and pantry. I have clothes (too many) to wear and shoes to protect my feet. I have a job which I love and am happy to do. My husband has a job he loves. We have health coverage and therefore are able to keep ourselves well by visiting doctors and such. We have dental coverage that keeps our teeth where they belong (in our mouths). I have a loving family who understand that this has been a hard year for me and while they might miss me at a family function or gathering they understand why I am not there and love me anyway. I have very dear friends who understand the journey that I am now on because they are on much the same journey and we can talk and laugh and cry through it with each other.

I have God, who holds me, comforts me, cries with me, laughs with me.....just is with me loving me in spite of the harsh words I've thrown at him in my pain and grief. Knew that I would struggle. Knew that I would have such pain. And yet he holds me close, much like I do my own children when they need some comfort, whispering in my ear that everything is okay and how much he loves me.

So while my Thanksgiving this year is not really a "happy" one.....I still can give thanks for all that God has blessed me with....

Moments I don't ever want to repeat

I'm not sure why but I can't seem to stop thinking about being in the hospital and the moment when I knew that I had to give Noah to Phillip to take to the funeral home. I keep going over and over the emotions that rolled through me in that moment.


It was an emotional rollercoaster. I remember thinking that if I could just take him and run away so that I could keep him. I remember thinking that it wasn't the way it was supposed to be.....that I was supposed to be able to carry him there myself. It wasn't fair. I hadn't had enough time with him. They weren't going to take care of him the way that I knew he should be cared for. They didn't love him so they wouldn't be as gentle and loving as I would. I had such a strong desire to flee. This wasn't my life. Things like losing a baby just didn't happen to me. When was I going to wake up?


I tried so hard to cram a LIFETIME of memories in that moment. I had an hour before Phillip was coming to get him to take him there. In one hour I tried my hardest to impress everything about Noah into my memories. The way he looked. The way he smelled. The way he felt in my arms. Cuddling him so close.

It mattered not that Noah wasn't actually in his body any longer. His body was the only thing left I had tangibly of him and I just wasn't ready to let him go. I never would be.


Then there was the LONG, LONELY walk (ok - roll) from my room where I spent ALL my time with Noah to the car to leave the hospital. Leaving that hospital with no baby in my arms was without a doubt the hardest, most horrible thing I have had to experience. Well, after having to let him go that is.


These moments swirl around in my head and cause me so much sorrow and grief even now 6 months later. They are moments that I never want to repeat.....but yet I constantly relive them. I wish there was a way to wipe them from my memory. But then that would be wiping memories that are associated with Noah and I NEVER want to forget ANY moment with Noah.


Noah remains in my every thought. He is still the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. Most of the time my memories of Noah bring me some comfort and I'm able to smile, even if my smile is bittersweet. But these two...these two bring me deep, deep pain. I try not to think of them often....but sometimes I just can't help myself.


I love my little boy and miss him still so very much.......

Here's one of my favorite pics of Noah with his Daddy

You can see how he is just gripping his Daddy's thumb so hard.....Trying to tell us in the only way he could at that moment how much he loved us and wanted to be with us.....at least, that's my way of looking at it.

When Lord? *edit*

I keep wondering that.....when? When will it get better? When will I finally feel more like my normal self? When will this constant ache go away? When?

Everytime I think I am making strides to improve or at least feel somewhat better I end up sliding further back. I could be doing so good, sailing along, doing my best to live "normally" and all it takes is one look, one thing said or not said, one thing done or not done.....and all my efforts to be "better" are wasted.

I can't place the blame on anyone but myself for this either. It's no one else's fault that I don't always seem to handle things. They have no idea if this day is a good day or a bad day for me. Only I know that.

And the worst part about ALL of this is that I could be having a good day, a day where I feel fine, and then I get the look, or something said or not said, or something done or not done....and it sets my emotions on edge. And all of the sudden what was once a good day is now a bad day. There is no rhyme or reason for it.

I had a friend Holly post something on this. She said that experiencing the loss of your baby is likened to something like having post-traumatic stress disorder. I pulled this from WebMD - Simply put, PTSD is a state in which you "can't stop remembering". I would say that that is it in a nutshell.

I can't stop remembering Noah. His life. The life he should have had. The life we were supposed to have with him as a member of our family. I'm sure I'll never forget. I suppose with time I will get "better".....but I'll never stop remembering Noah.

**I want to point out that that the purpose of this post is not to question when I will start to "forget" but rather when will the emotions stop bubbling to the surface at such inappropriate or inopportune times. I will NEVER forget Noah. But this crying at the drop of a hat just because of something perceived or on purpose that was done or said is literally DRIVING ME CRAZY! I just want to be NORMAL again!**

Painful Reminder

Today I decided to go shopping. I have been basically wearing PJs for the last 6 months since Noah's birth. It's part of the reason I don't like to go out anywhere. I have nothing really decent to wear and so don't like to go out unless I look at least presentable.

So I went to a store that I knew would probably have my sizes.

Since having Noah I have not really lost a whole lot of weight. I am a big girl. I am bigger now than I was before getting pregnant with Noah. I also still basically look about 4-6 months pregnant. The problem with this is that I am NOT pregnant!

So I tried on a pair of jeans. Then I tried a shirt to go with the jeans. Then I tried a sweater to go with the jeans. I didn't like any of them.

And all they did was remind me (painfully so) that had Noah lived that I wouldn't care how big I was because I had a baby to take care of. That it just wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. I would be happy because my baby (and not my waistline or lack thereof) would be my focus.

I left as fast as I could and then cried (hard) the rest of the way home. I cried (hard) when I got home. I'm still crying (hard)....

I really miss my baby boy......